Funny stuff

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, “JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

“TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00.”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,” The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.” The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.” Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

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He’s teaching her arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once, he kissed her twice and said, ”Now that’s addition.”
And as he added smack by smack, in silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, ”Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, ”That’s multiplication.”
Then Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that kid three blocks away and said, ”That’s long division!”

One morning, a blonde decides to do a jig-saw puzzle of a tiger. When her husband comes home from work, he finds his wife still staring at the pieces, unable to put any of them together. The blonde looks to her husband confused and says, “Honey, I”ve been working on this puzzle all day and I can’t put any piece together!” Her husband then replies, “Let’s put the Frosted Flakes back in the box first.”

A bear was chasing a little rabbit.

“Stop running and get back here!” yelled the bear.

“Never!” shouted the rabbit.

As the rabbit was running he tripped on a lamp. His soft furry foot brushed the lamp and out popped a genie.

The genie noticed the frightened rabbit was being chased by the bear.

The genie said to the bear,”Hey! If you stop chasing him I”ll grant you and the rabbit both two wishes!”

The bear agreed and was so eager he jumped to go first. He said, “I wish that a had the biggest penis in the world!”

*Poof!* and his wish was granted.

The rabbit went next, “I wish I had a super fast motorcycle!”

*Poof* and the rabbit’’s wish was granted.

The bear looked at the rabbit and thought, “What a lame wish!”

For his final wish, the bear smirked as he wished that all the other bears in the world were female.

*Poof* his wish was granted.

The rabbit jumped on his motorcycle, revved the engine and laughed.

Just before he booked out of there he said, “I wish the bear was gay!”

Q:What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you drink water with that?